Surviving Cancer

Dear Friends,

This isn't Jeruu, as you might have guessed, just a close friend posting for her.

I wish to hell I could give everyone happy news right now, but, here we are.

Our dear Becca passed away this Saturday evening at 5:30 pm MT.

Have been dealing with some pretty horrible stuff, lately.
I went into the hospital a week prior to Tuesday. I knew I felt like crap, and I knew that I was going to have to stay at least overnight. Nearly two weeks later and I'm still here. My kidneys decided to shut down. I honestly don't remember a lot, because usually the first thing they give me is a boat-load of painkillers.

Since I'm horribly tired, I will make this short and sweet.
1) Kidney docs are pleased as to how well I've responded to dialysis.
2) My negative, hope-killing doctors here are suggesting Hospice and don't believe that there will be any clinical trials (and, in fact, lied saying that there were none) where the patient has ever had dialysis. What kind of a moron do they think I am? *rolls eyes*
3) My Denver Docs believe differently.
4) I am starting to use the restroom much easier/more regularly than usual. Which is also excellent news.
5) I'm on 'high fall risk' patient, meaning I have an entourage to have to do ANYTHING, except for being locked up in my bed.
6) Come visit me if you're bored, though since I can't get much sleep, I may zonk out if you stop by, so please don't be offended. I may also be in Dialysis - just ask at the oncology desk where it is and come up and visit while I lay around.

I hope to be out by mid next-week.

Much love and thank you all so much for all of the prayers.
Take care!

I have been SO sleepy these past couple of weeks.

Probably due to the excessive amount of snoring emanating from the other side of the bed. I used to be used to Jer's snoring, but this is really getting ridiculous. He's extremely restless in bed, (which wakes me up every time he moves) and then twists around, and lays down on MY pillows, directly next to my head and starts snoring as loud as anything. Yelling at him makes him sit up, only to lay back down on my pillows.

Eventually, I get so fed up, I move to the couch upstairs. Yes. *I* move, because Jer works and I can sleep all day wherever I want. I personally and always insist on this because of exactly what I said.

Anyways. Not a lot new going on here. I'm on cycle #7 of chemo. My ascites are calming down a touch, my regular neuropathy is funny - it feels like my hands and feet are getting swollen from fluid again - even though they're not. It makes it difficult to type.

ANyways, I need to try and take another nap. I'm starting to nod off, again.

Thinking of you all, wishing and hoping the best for all of you
<3
Becca :o)

Did I say I gave that stuff credit for something?

5 hours after taking it, I was throwing everything up. Friggin' pain medication. I was prescribed 12 pills (4 days worth) of Zofran (another anti-nausea medication), and that's all my insurance would cover. So I'm back to Kytril once nearly every 4 hours when it should be once every 12 hours.

My belly is filling up like crazy. my lung fluid has been relatively stable, but I'm going from flat stomach to 9 months pregnant, again, in three-four days.

I cannot describe how irritatingly difficult this is to deal with.

Still trying to gather the last bits of stuff I Need for taxes. Which mostly is just receipts from Dr Medgyesy's office, from PVH, and then I need to find the garage sale donation list from last year and I'll have taxes done in about 30 minutes. Just gotta find all of those deductions, is all.

I was super-happy to find that Jabbawockees won the "America's Best Dance Crew" competition. Don't get me wrong, the other crew, Status Quo, were really awesome, but I just liked the Jabba-guys better. While initially I thought them all wearing white-faced mime masks were creepy, I realized that it made them focus on their body movements, which were much more in control than Status Quo. Huzzah.

I have been watching America's Next Top Model - a show arguably going out of fashion (not really a pun intended...but...bah! there it is) - for the really interesting photos they take of the models. you kinda figure out how much work really goes into making a model look "high fashion" and you really categorize it as Art more than 'models are self-esteem destroyers.' Anyways, I caught a show yesterday and was really disappointed. There were 8 girls left, and they split them up into 2 groups to go on Go-Sees (basically, where models go out and see the designers in the hopes of booking a job). Anyways, the yuckie parts of the job came out. One of the girls was put into the group as a "token" plus-sized model, I guess, because at 'Pamella Roland' she was admonished for her size. Meaning she wore a size 10 instead of a size 2. Can you believe it? a size 10 ?!? Can you even find size 10s in the plus size department store sections? The designer even cut size 10s and had them on the rack. Friggin rediculous is what that was. "We like Size 2's for our runway shows." she frantically stated to everyone.

Whatever. Not like I buy designer fashions, but if I did, Pamella Roland would not be on my choice list.

I got half-dose of chemo last Wednesday. My platelets would not go up. They were still hanging at 40 (47 on Friday) and we just couldn't wait any longer. Good news is that my cold neuropathy is already on the decline (as it's supposed to be - supposed to last 5-6 days, not 3 entire weeks). Belly and lung drains have been easier with pain killers and a good physician's assistant.

Aunt Lorrie is in a rehabilitation center, and is scheduled to come home soon, from what I understand. I'm still sending prayers her way. Also to Silverwynd's mom (friend from Warcraft) who's got a breast cancer recurrence. Though from what I hear, things seem to be looking up.

Hope everyone is well. I'm going back to sleep. I'm either tired or in the mood to throw up. not sure which, yet.

I've been on a lot of pain medication. Vicoden, Oxycodone/Oxyconton, Dilauded, Atropene, and my more recent prescription has been for Fentanyl.

Being that I have many issues with nausea, finding an appropriate drug for pain control has been a not-so-good-tasting endeavor. I suppose I should probably describe the (relatively minor compared to some people I know; however 'adds up') kinda pain I'm dealing with. It has been worse in the past; however, right now I'm dealing with some pretty noticable abdominal pain, I have a hernia just underneath my ribcage, nearly right on top of my liver. The Ascites (abdominal and lung fluid) usually leave me with consistent pain - when it gets drained, and when it gets full. My back hurts significantly on days when I suddenly have a lot of fluid in my belly, and the muscles freak out even after a belly/lung drain. When my lungs get drained, I can feel the lining of my lung rubbing my lung and it feels like when you rub your hand over a balloon. Just...weird.

My abdominal muscles still haven't really recovered (meaning...I haven't been using them, because using them tends to hurt a decent amount). If I sit up for too long, I need to recline in order to give them a break. Standing is the same way. Sitting up/Standing up for too long, usually ends up in my stomach cramping up and me either throwing up, or catching myself and trying to not throw up in a flurry of panic. It's bizarre, something you kinda have to have to really see to understand. All of these things together usually means I'm laying in bed, heating pad on my back, and extremely stressed out - which of course, makes things even worse.

My dilemma lies in the "what pain med should I take in order to be able to not have to lay in bed for a majority of the day, staring at the TV and feeling miserable?"

Morphene was used on me for my first surgery. I quickly changed after having horrible nightmares about spiders, spiderwebs, and me doing evil things to people in secret, and then coming in to save them to make myself look like a hero. I was already frightened enough during that time, so I axed the morphene and my dreams straightened out.

Vicoden was the accompaniment to post-operative pain killing. It's high-dose Acetominophen (like taking a buncha tylenol). I was terrified of getting addicted to it, so I took a total of Three Vicoden over several weeks, post-op. Mostly because some days I couldn't sleep with the pain. The problem with Vicoden is that I need to take it with food. Fine on some days, but there are several days when I *don't* want to eat things because I already feel sick (from chemo, or from the over-work situation above). If I don't have food prior to popping a Vicoden, I get terrible stomach cramps, and then throw up.

Oxycodone (for acute pain) and Oxyconton (slow release all day pain reliev) are high-dose Ibuprofen (I think...I don't recall exactly) and they made me CRAZY. I'm not talking general, "I'm scared about having cancer" crazy. I would have *horrifying* screaming fits, violent outbursts for really ridiculous things...etc. It was another one that made me sick if I didn't eat with/prior to the meds. Another thing? It's Ibuprofen, and so it is notorious for lowering blood counts. Notably, Platelets. Not a good choice for this current chemo, when I'm battling for the platelets.

Dilauded was an interesting choice. It helps with the pain well, and it packs a little more nerve dampening than those previously listed. It didn't make me crazy, but it did give me migraines when it started to wear off. And it also made me feel very nauseous. I went through 5-6 Kytril a day (in which you shouldn't need more than 2 every 24 hours) to try my best to not throw up. I was successful probably about 70% of the time.

I have been falling back on Tylenol to dull out the Dilauded migraines, and to take in place of Dilauded for acute pain. Though it didn't work as well (maybe 20% as effective? a number I wish was higher) it at least dulled out the pain for a few hours.

So I talked to Mary Kay (the nurse practitioner in Denver) yesterday and asked her what she suggested about pain. I was on Fentanyl after my horrible hospital stay last December, and in my desire to cut out pain medication (because I had decided it all made me crazy) I didn't ask for a refill on the order. But Mary Kay suggested we try that to see if it helps out at all.

So today, I started my Fentanyl patch (a long-acting Opiate that doesn't really deal with acute pain, though it really helped clear up my back pain. whee *grin*). Within an hour, I was online playing WoW - something I haven't really been able to do for a long time because I can't sit for too long - and got to play for a long time :) I was feeling so much better than I had in months. I helped out with a few chores, I helped out with the laundry, but in my happiness to play, we played a little late, and straight through dinner. At 11pm, we finally decided to call it a day. Though I guess in my excitement to be feeling somewhat normal, I over-did it. I had half a pear, and 5 minutes later was projectile vomiting in the bathroom. I'm worried that maybe it's the pain patch, or maybe it's just the fact that I'm starting to get used to the thing. I know it's always strongest on the first day you put it on, and I haven't used one in a few months. So I'm guessing there's an adjustment period.

I just can't afford to have nausea-causing painkillers. ugh. But otherwise, I have been dizzy, *And* a complete flake all at the same time.

But, if the nausea us just a random side effect in getting used to the patch, then I am hoping that this will be the painkiller of choice for me - at least for awhile.

Anyways, it was good to be out of bed and not being mopey for a change. And I completely credit the re-introduced Fentanyl as helping me feel a whole lot better. :)

So I went to Denver yesterday. Oh boy, what a trip.

Due to "emergency pothole filling" it took us over an hour to get from the first Longmont Exit to the second one (1 mile...). I was over 40 minutes late to my appointment. So, after waiting forever for the stupid traffic, we waited around even longer for Mary Kay, the Nurse Practitioner I was seeing that day, and even longer STILL for a chair in the infusion center.

After I sat down and got comfortable, the extremely inefficient lab finally decided that they would send my blood results back. While the rest of my blood numbers were ok (lower than normal, but higher than usual) my platelets were 40. A quick refresher - I need 100 to get chemo, and the low end of what they are supposed to be under normal conditions is 150. (Transfusion happens at 20)

Which meant NO CHEMO.

I argued and argued with the nurse practitioner and with a doctor - that my platelets were sure to go up in the next week, they only crash at the end of the cycle, and that getting chemo today shouldn't make any difference with my platelets. The last time we waited a week, I *know* my tumors recovered faster than I did and managed to grow enough to make a difference. I didn't want to give them any advantage.

Then the doc threw out the ace:
"yes, but we know that this chemo crashes your platelets. If we start it early, your platelets will be *even lower* in three weeks, and if they get low enough, you could start getting random internal bleeding - most likely in your brain."

My eyes widened, and then I conceded defeat. Brain bleeding would probably be a bad thing. >_>
After asking if I could get a platelet transfusion:
"they don't last very long, they're really just to bridge you until your bone marrow can take over"
and then asking if I could get a platelet infusion several days in a row to counteract the "short lived platelet" problem, they flat out said: "NO"
I guess that's not something they do with chemo. Something about ethics and blood shortages, I guess. >_>

I was disappointed. I understood, though.

Afterwards, we went to Joe's Crab Shack to get Crawfish Etoufee, and my mom got Coconut Shrimp. Then we stopped at a store and picked me up a possible black dress for Kat's wedding. It was exhausting, and I was about to throw up before we finally got to leave. Too much walking, standing up, and just general use of my abdominal muscles (sitting up included - I spend much of my days reclined) is painful/stressful after awhile.

So Denver wasn't a total loss. just a frustrating WAIT. Thanks, CDOT (Colo Dpt of Transportation - who is most likely responsible for the "emergency pothole repair") for emergency repairing right during commuter rush hour traffic in the morning. I'm sure you ruined a lot of peoples' days, made them late to work, to the airport, or to - MORE IMPORTANTLY - Doctor's appointments due to a very poor setup. FAIL. DO THAT S*** AT NIGHT!

Thanks so much for your sympathy and I'm sorry for my whining. It is really difficult to wait for results/get scans done all the time. Every six weeks you wonder if you're closer to living or not. It's really frightening, and many, MANY thanks for the hugs, sympathy, and thoughts.

As for my results of the scan, I got them on Monday, and they were "stable." However their version of stable was "a little growth in the belly tumors, and a little shrink in the lung tumors." So it kinda equaled out. In my mind, this will basically mean that there will be growth on my next ct scan, so I'm mentally preparing for that, as well as keeping eyes out for a new therapy idea.

I am a little disappointed because I wanted to have hair for Kat's Wedding, and I'm guessing that I'll be on a hair-falling-out therapy. I'm hoping not, but hair can't be a factor in any of my therapy decisions...it's only hair, after all. I normally wouldn't care, much, when it has to do with normal days, but I don't want to be "the cancer patient" in someone's wedding photos. So I'm still considering a wig. We'll see, though. It looks actually somewhat nice, at the moment. Now it's nearly a half-inch long, is starting to get curly (to my horror, really) and will not obey even wet-hair combings. Since it hasn't been out in the sun, and my hair was initially blonde, my hair has naturally "minked" itself (I didn't realize hair could do that on it's own) so it kinda looks funky - the top of it reflects the light and looks light, and the underneath is really dark. Unless I get outside more often and it naturally bleaches in the sunlight back to my old color or lighter, I was going to bleach it platinum and maybe stick a fake red flower barrette in it. I dunno. I am not a huge fan of fake flowers because they look...well...Fake. But I'm not sure how I would arrange a live one just a morning in advance of the event. Maybe I can plan one with a fake flower and then try and fuss with a live one to see if it would work. I can always fall back on the fake if it doesn't. Though I wonder if I could get glitter to stick on a real flower. Huh. That would be weirdly interesting.

Had another belly/lung drain today (it's a twice-a-week event, now). Jason (the best Thora/Para PA in the whole hospital) was leaving the VA hospital in Cheyenne when they called him to come and do the drains. Presented with a choice, I waited the hour it took him to get there instead of dealing with the poor job the doctors do. It was so easy, I was glad I waited. They took my blood counts in the mean-time. I am nervous because I'm supposed to get chemo tomorrow and my platelets were 47. They need to be 100 in order to get the chemo, and I think waiting a week is what caused growth the last time.

I hate going to Denver for nothing. So, if I don't get chemo tomorrow, I will be disappointed but I will try and get my mom to take me dress shopping for Kat's wedding. I'm hoping to find a black sundress that is about knee-length and that cute "50's-housewife-modern" style. I dunno. I guess I'll see. Sad thing is that I can't be on my feet for too long (causing horrible stomach cramps followed by throwing up - what happened on Sunday night when I tried making dinner), though I think that it won't be difficult to either find a dress or reject a store before I need to sit down and rest. It's like I'm still recovering from last December. I am still getting better, though, but it seems like it is taking way too long.

My Grandma's sister, Aunt Lorrie, was in surgery today getting a seriously dangerous heart surgery. I've been worrying about her and praying for her, but the last thing I've heard was that she was in stable condition and able to accept visitors after 8pm East-coast time. (though that could have changed as I heard about her prior to 8pm eastern time). Still Praying for you, Aunt Lorrie. *hugs and love*

Anyways, if you celebrate Easter, I hope you had a good one. If You don't, I hope you had a good weekend :). Hope everyone has a nice week.
Much love, many hugs back, and thanks,
~jeruu
(Becca)

Dunno why...well, prolly because I get a new CT scan sometime very soon, and the scheduler, who I think is incredibly incompetent, still hasn't called me to tell me when my CT scan is going to be. I'm getting really irritated with her. I am confused as to why there is a scheduler if I have to make my own schedules, or have to beat the schedulers over the head in order to get any sort of response out of them. They waste my time. Why do they even have a desk.

I don't know.

Anyways, so it's coming up on me like Jaws, and I know that I've got to get devoured, but I am still floundering around like something's gunna change.

I'm scared that things are going to get worse. I am still going to get belly/lung drains 2xs a week (Tuesday/Friday) and I haven't recovered very well. I feel like crap.

When does it end? I'm really starting to lose my grip, here. I am always coughing up crap from my lungs. A heating pad helps, but it's just not helping that much. I'm starting to fall into the pain-black-hole. Getting belly/lung drains are really hurting. The docs keep changing around. I usually want Jason to be the person doing my drains. He usually is the one who does them, he's a PA, so he doesn't do all of the doctor stuff, but I know what to expect from him. Stab #1 is lydocaine (and a secret - it's got BiCarb in it to keep it from burning - in stab #1 & 2). Stab #2 is lydocaine, just deeper in the soon-to-be wound. He then nicks a razor blade to break open the skin, and then the 18-gauge-9-inch-needle gets stabbed in said wound. Once he can pull liquid (ascites) from the needle, he pulls out the sharp metal bit, leaving in the plastic cathetor (which is wrapped around the metal needle), which gets attached to a tube, which gets attached to another blunt-ended needle, which gets punctured into an evacuated glass bottle - which holds about 500 ml. These are the easy stabs. he doesn't miss. he doesn't ever have to add more lydocaine, he doesn't mess up, and...well...a horrible procedure is made much easier.

Recently, when Jason DOESN'T do the stab (3 of the last 4 times), it's been doctors who are used to other procedures, and don't have a set "stab procedure." There are usually 3 or 4 stabs prior to the razor - if they use the razor at all - and then still miss the numbed up spot with the big needle and I feel it, anyways. It's like "lets pretend to numb you up, (which actually kinda hurts, but not as bad as getting a needle stabbed through your back). One doc can't seem to push the needle through (Oh, it must be scar tissue...is what she claims) and tents it on some inner-cavity wall, or scar tissue, or whatever (aka, doesn't break through to the fluid pocket). Then she has to stab me with MORE lydocaine and try to push it through (I almost yelled at her to just slam the needle through and quit stabbing more painful needles into my back. The stab was going to hurt no matter what, and she knew it. You can't numb up the wall).
The last time, it was "hm. looks like we got too close to the intestines and the cathetor is sucking up against the intestine."
me (wincing): "I know...I can feel it." (having stuff trying to suck your intestines throuhg little holes tends to start waking your nerves back up from the lydocaine) When the vacuum glass bottles proves to be too much suction, they have to pull out a bag and just use gravity to move the fluid (ie, attach the tube coming out of my belly to a bag, and then make it lower than the fluid/my belly/whatever.) It takes a lot longer.

Never do I have these problems with Jason. Sometimes, he'll hit one of those nerves in my back that shoot pain all the way to my belly button. He always apologizes, and said that the nerve is supposed to be under the shoulder blade (or the rib? I forget) and has prolly sagged down a bit from all of the stress my body's been under. I always laugh it off, because if there's one thing I know, you DON'T ANGER THE PEOPLE WITH THE NEEDLES. Which is why I'm frightened to really say "No, I want Jason. You, scary doctor, need to GTF AWAY from me." One doc doesn't hit me anymore because I had horrible pain for over an hour after the drain. One time, Jason drained me even though my platelets were 7 (they don't stab when platelets are below 50, usually, because they're causing wounds). They still talk about it, now with laughter as I'm not dead or anything.

One doc used a 27 gauge needle to put in the lydocaine and I remarked "wow, that didn't hurt at all!" He made sure to change to a 25 gauge needle the rest of the time. (ie, a bigger needle)

The draining of the lungs is more painful than the stabs to get the needles in there. My lungs are exhausted of being compressed by fluid, and so when the fluid goes away, there's a lot of pain. Usually, my whole side hurts for a good hour if I cough, but if I don't cough, I won't open up my lungs. So I have to choke back the coughing, wait for the pain to be tolerable, and then cough until I can't take it anymore.

I do this twice a week.

It never gets any easier. And I just wonder if the fluid will ever really go away. I've had it for over a year. ugh. I'm just stressed and so depressed.

Daer comes home, complains he's had a bad day, and today it made me cry. "I would give just about anything to have a regular bad day," I wailed. I doubt he'll be telling me about his days, anymore. :( I didn't mean to guilt trip him, but I honestly am just so tired of being miserable all the time...I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm miserable, lonely, and extremely depressed. It takes anywhere from 2-4 ativan to get me through most days. I'm starting to lose it.

*cries*

So I tried to sleep, last night. Friday morning had been horrible. I had either cramping from diarrhea, was really really hungry, was completely nauseous, or all of these things together. I think it was the latter. I begged my mom to come home because I was just in too much pain and too miserable to take care of myself.

note to self - if I keep up with this chemo regiment, I will need people to stay with me (with the intent of home-ish care) on thursday and friday post-treatment.

After I went to the hospital, took some pain meds and calmed down, I was good to go, and even had a decent belly/lung drain. The lung drain was even the right side (which is notorious for being a horrible experience), but Jason, the PA, knew that he needed to drain it slowly so I wasn't in horrible pain when they drained it.

Finally got to meet Chthion from our guild on our WoW server. He has been visiting Evelyn and Calihan all week from San Francisco. Nice guy. After getting drugged up, I was able to drag myself out to Perkins for a little attempt at dinner (I ate probably 5 bites before the painkillers started making me pretty ill-feeling).

Back to last night...the dog thought it would be fun to whine every half hour to go outside. So I camped out upstairs and let her out when she needed. It wasn't too bad, because she had calmed down around 3am and I finally got some sleep. But still...I've been really needing to rest. ugh.

Things have been...well, I dunno. tolerable? I've been feeling a lot more miserable, lately. I'm kinda assuming it's because I had my last chemo a week late, and my recent chemo on time (meaning only two weeks between them). I guess it could have really knocked me out, but at the same time, I haven't been feeling all that *well* lately. not sure how to explain it. I am hungry a lot of the time, but can't seem to eat. I am tired a lot of the time but can't seem to sleep. I am so thirsty, but I can't drink anything cold for at least another week. (probably longer *frown*). Hot drinks make me thirstier. Hot water seems to make my ascites flare up. Cold things burn my throat, thanks to cold neuropathy.

I am not sure if the chemo is working, but honestly, after the little flare up in my lungs, ascites have been stable to smaller *in general*.

Allison is currently in South Africa, and I'm jealous because I can't really go anywhere these days. If I need lung/belly drains twice a week, then there's really not a way that I can travel anywhere. But I am hoping she takes a lot of pictures, because I expect many stories and adventures, and I'll just have to live with that until everything stables out. I am wanting to go somewhere warm and beachy for a vacation - which is really unlike me as I'm terrified of getting sunburned (being as pale as I am, I just burn to a crisp outdoors). Either Hawaii, or somewhere on the Mexican Riviera (the Pacific side). I'm hoping I'll be stable by November. I was even talking to Jeremy's Grandmother and thinking about good old Disney World. I love that place, and I haven't been there for like, 15 years. I dunno, tho. I am not sure how many rides I could actually go on, and don't know how many lines I could actually stand in. Meh. Even my dreams have practicalities woven into them.

Been having a lot of SOB lately - and that is an actual acronym we used at 911 to mean Shortness of Breath, and not anyone's offspring. :)

My reduced visits for belly drains have taken a toll on my lungs and even landed me overnight in the hospital on Monday night (much to my disgruntled aggravation). Tuesday, they drained 1.7 liters out of my right lung. This was a horrible and painful experience because of...? scar tissue? Not sure. It's just awful. I thought for a few terrifying seconds that my right lung had collapsed, and they were going to intubate me to re-inflate the thing. I coughed up prabably about a half-a-cup of strange, neon-orange liquid throughout the rest of the evening and trudged into the hospital today for a drain of my left lung. It was more - 2.1 liters. Yeah, they peeled one of those big coke bottles worth of fluid out of ONE lung. Painful and stressful, yes, but nowhere near the terrifying situation of the horrible right lung.

I now feel like I can breathe somewhat normally, and don't need a heating pad, ativan, and Dilauded to knock me out for sleep. (It took three ativan last night. THREE. I'm not really supposed to take that many, I was extremely tired when I ridiculously made the bad choice to take the third one). That cocktail (of which I concocted myself) will be significantly reduced in the future.

Got my star trek fix on yesterday, and watched a TON of treks I had saved on my comcast box. I have decided that I *really* need to watch more DS9. I have seen way too many random episodes and have a very convoluted vision of what's exactly supposed to be going on, even though Jay and Jer and Ammon have all tried to explain the storyline. I keep forgetting, or just get confused.

Otherwise, it's been pretty boring around here. Our internet access has been terrible. It keeps going out all the time. Especially when we want to get online and do something. They've replaced the lines to the box and the modem, so I dunno what's going on, really. The last guy who "checked" our service out didn't do anything. "Looks like it's working to me" he said. Then Jer got home early, said to the guy exactly the same thing *I* told him, and the guy said "Oh, I'll swap your modem out." ...

Whatever. They're coming out again tomorrow to try and fix it. Again. Ugh.

Anyways, hope everyone is well. Prayers all around.

Thank you, Steve and Sarah and Molly and Camie and Emmy for the gorgeous photo collage. :) I am very slow to get mail out, but I will have a Thank you card out as soon as I can. <3

ZOMG this is adorable. Apologies if anyone's linked it previously and I haven't noticed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4Wy7gRGgeA

(It's got a Warcraft theme - but the song is *adorable* even if you're not into WoW) ^_^

Not much more to report here. Though I'm getting irritated by Bladder infections that keep coming back. I have started to cut back with my para/thoras and am only getting them once a week, now. I'm thinking it's blocking off a bit of my bladder and cultivating bacteria or something. Maybe I should go back to twice-a-week drains. :o/

My mom has gotten me addicted to 20/20 cricket. I never knew how to play regular cricket, so I can't really comment on the differences, other than 20/20 on almost every occasion is a shorter game than regular cricket, which are notorious for sometimes taking days - don't worry, they allow for breaks for Tea, Meals, and reasonable amounts of sleep in the evening (if the game doesn't put you to sleep during the day). It's nothing like baseball, though has a few similarities. The Pitcher is called a Bowler. The Batter is called a Batsman. The batsmen guard the wickets in various ways. They are out if their wickets get knocked down (there are some exceptions to this generalizations), or if someone catches out a fly ball. The big hits are called "Four" and "Six". If the batsman hits the ball and it bounces before it leaves the field boundary, it's called a Four, and the batsman's team gets 4 runs. If they hit it over the boundary and it doesn't hit the ground, it's called a Six...and yeah, you guessed it, they get 6 runs.

There are only two innings in 20/20 cricket. One team is up to bat, and bats/scores until they have either run the course of 20 "overs" (an "over" is equal to 6 pitches), or all of their players are out. Then the next team tries to score enough runs to win in the second inning.

The Stanford Tournament includes many teams from all around the West Indies (Jamaica, Bermuda, Barbados, USVI, etc..). They wear colorful outfits, and everyeone seems like they are having fun while they are watching the games. It's not my baseball, but I'm so disappointed with baseball these days with the steriod use, and their ginormous salaries...I dunno, it sucks. It's sad to have to go to "Coor's Field" instead of something better, like Rockies Park, or...something. I was Horrendously disappointed when Mile-Hi stadium got replaced by Invesco Field...at mile high. :( Boo. I understand that football stadiums cost a tremendous amount of money to build, without a significant amount of advertising in return for donations, but Mile-Hi was just unique. the name was unique and gave us an identity. Rarely do I hear commentators call it "Invesco Field at Mile High." it's just "Invesco field." Bleh.

Anyway, I've been watching a lot of "Girls Next Door" - the reality show about Hugh Heffner and his three Girlfriends who live in his house. I can't say that I condone his or the girls' lifestyle choices, but they don't generally talk about that - they talk about other stuff, like the charitable activities they do, and some of the cool "high-class" stuff they get to do. The girls are all platinum blondes (fake-bleached) but they are hilarious and seem like really, honestly nice people. The playboy mansion is one of the only residences that have a Zoo Liscense, they have a zoo keeper, and a few endangered birds, and a spider monkey. I dunno why I like it, it's just interesting.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm really quite bored a lot of the time. I log onto WoW for fishing, and the occasional PVP match. Grenwalis won the Figureprints lottery this month, and some other folks pitched in and he gave it to me so I could get a statuette of Tricks done. It's a present for my 5th anniversary of my initial surgery (which isn't until April 11, but that's ok because it takes a few months to get the figure ordered and stuff).

Also, My Cousin Steve, Sarah, Camille and Grant all pitched in a bunch of photos and I got a really awesome Framed photo set of baby pictures of me, pictures of the family, a cute photo of my mom when she was little, a picture of my Grandma and Grandpa's wedding, and many other pictures. Made me weepy :o) Now I'm looking for a good place to hang it in the house.

Hope everyone is doing well. Jamaica is just coming up to bat in the second inning versus Nevis. I dont' really have a favorite team, yet, but Guyana won last year's tournament, and Jamaica is looking really good this game so far. They have kept Nevis down to only 122 runs in their inning, which is kinda low. (An average score is right around 150-160~ish).

Take care!

CT scan was a week and a half ago. I had been waiting and waiting to hear about the results, which came to me today. Last night I was a wreck and literally got high on my painkillers and ativan. I was stressed out, so I took ativan. My belly was hurting like crazy, so I took Dilauded (2mg each, and I took 2 because the pain was so bad). I guess I'm really chatty when I'm wasted.

Xeloda + Oxaliplatin is WORKING. I got about a 19% SHRINKAGE overall!! EVERYTHING shrank. (minus a little nodule on my liver, but it was only by 1mm, and that could have *easily* just not been the scan lining up correctly) (Furthermore, I have a *lot* of tumors, so 19% is HUGE)

All of last year was just one bad news thing after another.

And now I'm just amazingly happy.

I was supposed to get chemo, today, but my platelet counts were too low (54 instead of the 100 they needed) so I will get chemo pushed back a week. The docs aren't worried about it, so I guess I won't be either. Though they still told me to start taking Xeloda. The doc thinks that once we get the tumors relatively manageable, then I may just be able to keep it in check with Xeloda by itself. We'll see, though.

We went to Famous Dave's bbq place just outside of Denver on the way home. We usually go there after Denver, because bbq cuts through the bad taste that is generally in my mouth and covers it up for a nice long while. I always get the Ribs and chicken combo. But the ribs I got were horribly salty. I dunno what was up with that.

After getting home at around 3:40, I fell asleep for most of the day, and woke up feeling not so good. Like, sick not so good, so I'm typing this as fast as I can because I wanted to let everyone know.

<3 Thank you all for your love and support.
You guys make this battle worth it.

Much love,
Becca
(aka, Tricks)

I got a bridesmaid (Maid of honor, much to my shock and flattery) invitation to a wedding in July. This gal that Jeremy met through work, and we all play Warcraft together, Kat and her fiancee are getting married in July. I told her I was a bad choice for Maid of Honor, because I don't know if I could scrape together a shower or how much I could help her out with stuff, but she insisted, said she didn't care about any of that stuff, and told me that she made *positive sure* that the bridesmaids/groomsmen could sit down during the ceremony (due to my lack of being able to stand up for long periods of time).

It will be fun because Kat's character is a priest (Alegrea); Megan is a bridesmaid (and also a priest - Evelyn) and me (Tricks), also a priest on WoW. I will have to get a pic of the three of us to post up on our guild webs.

I still carry an F-Ton of guilt for being a piss poor Maid of Honor at Becky's wedding. I was so excited about throwing her a shower, and then school hit me in the face, and that was the year I was graduating, and Jer and I had to move right before her wedding and before I knew it, it was too late to pull anything together. Me - being the person who hates to fail - shied away and was too afraid to tell her that I couldn't do it. I am a perfectionist, and if I fail, I try to hide. It's pathetic. I'll probably never stop being ashamed about all of that.

I had to decline another maid of honor invitation from Liz & Duncan's wedding because I got diagnosed shortly afterwards (Like, literally two days after she asked me). I felt bad about that one, too, but honestly, I don't think they would've expected me to do that, and then get treatment at the same time. Nor would they have wanted me to add more stress to my heaping plate.

Anyways, Kat's wedding isn't going to have specific bridesmaid dresses. "Just wear a black dress" she told me. I've never worn black to a wedding, and I'm getting slightly ambitious in wanting to make my dress (I got rid of a lot of my dress clothes because they were out of style, and because I haven't really dressed up to go anywhere for a long, long time). I can't really come up with anything, though. The only one I really like is a strapless bodice (though pasghetti straps are in this year - I was pouring over the runway shows from fashion week, looking for something to copy, or at least get some inspiration - and I might add spaghetti straps) with a long skirt. But the bodice has a lot of pieces, and boning between every piece - a pain in the ass to sew to lining fabric, then trying to flip it inside-out (to the right side after attaching it to the front pieces) with all that boning truly puzzles me.

That, and July is notoriously hot, and bodices are itchy and uncomfortable if they get too warm. I dunno. But then, a bodice with boning means I don't have to wear a bra. I was initally thinking some sort of nice sundress, but black really doesn't complement sundresses all that well. Or maybe I just can't see it. *shrugs*

I'm getting nervous because I am afraid I will have to change treatments to a hair-falling-out treatment between now and then (though I'm trying to remain positive). While I'm not embarrassed to run around in public bald, I would wear a wig because I don't want to stand out in someone else's wedding photos. Focus should always be the bride, and a pasty, freaky-looking bald chick would not blend into the background. I would stick out like a sore thumb. I hope my treatments keep working and that I have at least some hair to work with. Wigs are really itchy.

I am getting a CT scan sometime in the next two weeks. I also am relaxing on the Para/Thoras. I didn't get one last friday, and am instead waiting until tomorrow. We'll see how bad the fluid is, I guess.

I took myself off of the Oxygen. I've been off for a week. My pulse-Ox level seems to be ok, because I had them check it last tuesday when I was in for a drain. I am walking fairly normally. I don't need a wheelchair, but I get tired when I have to walk too far, or sit for too long. I think I really need to physical-therapy myself back to having some sort of normal activity level.

My right lung became tappable again, however, it is extremely painful to get it tapped - probably because of the scar tissue. The coughing is the worst part.

Docs and nurses are all happy with how I'm doing. I got my third round of chemo last Wednesday. I am happy with how I'm feeling, too.

I had some sort of icky bug last weekend, because I was puking uncontrollably for many hours. But I got over that just in time for the chemo. Better I was sick on good days, though, because I would probably be in the hospital if I was sick on bad chemo days.

not a lot going on here, though. I haven't been hammered with feeling sick this time around, yet, although I have been pretty tired. My brother is probably going to be playing drums on a cruise ship for 6 months out of Los Angeles :o) I'm excited because going to see him will be a good excuse to take another cruise. And there's a short enough cruise that he'll be on that I won't have to worry much about Para/thoras, and will be able to squeeze it in around chemo and such, AND it will be reasonably priced. Wheee. hope I get to do some cruising this summer or next fall. one of the two!

Heard this on some car commercial ("Going whichever way the Wind Blows"), and I initially thought it was Cat Stevens, and then thought maybe it was some Simon and Garfunkel song I had never heard before, but it's some...guy I've never heard of (Pete Droge). And it's a really cute song. I can't find the whole thing on Youtube, but I found his webs and just played it there. really nice, simple little song. Kinda reminds me of, well, Simon/Garfunkel and Cat Stevens. 'Homeward Bound' and 'Moonshadows' sorta mooshed together. Relaxing, slightly nostalgic, and just...well, nice :o)

Got Chemo today, I'm feeling icky. Cold Neuropathy seems worse than usual, but then the wind chill makes it a ton worse. Got a big breath of cold air and finally found out what they meant by "you might feel like you aren't breathing, but don't worry, you are."
...wtf? it's scary if you don't expect it, and I didn't quite expect it, but it was still surprising. Must remember to breathe in scarf and through mouth. Seems much warmer that way.

I want to sleep, but feeling pukey.

ugh.

A friend died last weekend in a car accident. I'm still kinda shocked from it. She was only a 'baby' (my word of affection for those a decent deal younger than I am - I'm 30, she was 21), and I can't even write very cohesively about what this all means to me, other than...well, just a meager statement, really.

Kathy, I'll remember how genuinely nice you were, your really yummy Zucchini bread muffins, and the flowers you bought for me every so often to make me smile. I'll always think of you when I smell zucchini bread baking :o) I don't care how dorky that sounds, but it's true.

Nothing much going on here. I've been really bored and lonely. My mom was coming over to my house practically every day, and now that I'm quite a bit more stable (ie, I can dress myself) I don't need as much attention. I mean, I still get to see people on a regular basis, but I guess I just want to get out, but I always feel too tired to go and do anything at all.

I should be happy, but I'm just mostly depressed, so far. I got chemo a week ago, and I'm still feeling kinda blah. I can't fathom what to do other than watch my excessively dull Television schedule. I don't log into WoW that much simply because I can't guess how long I will be able to be sitting up before having to just go lay down. I've just been really tired lately. Chemo does that. I got a blood infusion for the first cycle (hemoglobin) so I am guessing the chemo is working over my red blood cells. I dunno.

Thanks to the extreme generosity of Delusiongirl and her family, Jer and I were given a new Laptop that runs WoW better than my desktop. >_>

Something's fussy with the software at the moment, though, so we are trying to uninstall some of the stuff on there that uses up 20% of the memory all of the time. >_> hehe. 52 processes on a new laptop is pretty excessive. But that's soon to be fixed.

Hope everyone is doing well :) <3

What a horrible, miserable year.

The only good day?

Ok, well, maybe I had 2 good days throughout 2007. Like, days I didn't feel like I was sick, or miserable.

2.

Out of a whole year.

Cancer, I really hate you.

Good day #1 was actually *half* of a good day, when my mom took me to the Zoo way back in...April? or March? I forget when it actually was.

Good day #2 Was probably my birthday, even though at the end of it, I had done too much and started hurling and feeling miserable.

Ok. There are a few more good days this year, like the days when Jennie came and visited. I normally am a total bum. I don't answer my phone that often unless it's my mom or my doctor. I found a random email on the evening before Jennie was leaving after a trip back down to Colorado in July (or was is August? I don't recall). And I still almost didn't call her. I have just been so depressed and in such a bad mood, well, I guess I don't want to share that with my friends, or scare them about anything ('cause all I really have to talk about is television, Warcraft, or DOCTOR STUFF, which sucks and makes people worry a lot). Jeremy literally yelled at me until I called Jennie. and I'm glad he did, because I didn't realize how much I had missed her until I saw her again. We dragged her over to our house and yammered until the sun came up. I made her promise that Ryan would be driving back home to Alaska that day so she could get some sleep, and waved goodbye.

Then, I have to thank Melia for her diligence. She calls me at least once a month. I keep telling myself to call her back. But I guess I just feel like a total jerk. But she came over one night a few days before Christmas while Jennie had come to visit a second time (this year), and I was glad. We had decided earlier that we were gunna kinda drive around a bit to see Christmas lights, and so I dragged Melia with us to see what we could find.

After getting some drinks at Sonic (those minty holiday blast thingies) I was disappointed that the gated community over near my Grandma's house stopped putting up Luminarias. I always thought that was so cool to see all of the glowing paper bags - sometimes with cut outs, sometimes just plain - joining every home together. Down the sidewalk to the neighbors, up every driveway... This year it was just lame stuff - nodding reindeer and randomly ugly lights. But we caught the Woodward Governor Display as the finale, sang Christmas songs because I think Woody Gov has a music curfew now because of it's backyard neighbors. I hear the music from the display (cause I'm a backyard neighbor!) very rarely, and it's often very faint. If I didn't go outside on my deck and listen real hard, I'd prolly never hear it.

Good 2008 News:
Saw Dr Medgyesy. Still a little weary about her advice or what she thinks. However, she said that I looked great. I don't have to go to get Albumin and Lasix daily anymore unless I deem it necessary, and she said to just call her up to get it started again. She said that In her opinion, the Chemo was working, I had good blood test results. I had lost that horrible 45 pounds of random fluid that I gained in the hospital. I could walk on my own (thought I'm still off balance, and my muscles aren't really up to par, yet so I prefer a wheelchair most of the time). My lymph nodes seemed at least stable, but they were more prominent because of the missing fluid, so it was difficult to judge just by poking at them.

However, while I was getting chemo today, my Denver Doc said the same thing. She thought I was doing good, and she'd wait until the 3rd cycle before ordering new CT scans. So, If 2 docs think it's good, then I will go ahead and let my self be optimistic.

2008 is starting off well so far.

Jeremy and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary yesterday. Although I had chemo on the 3rd, which wiped me OUT, we drove down to Denver on the 2nd and stayed at this coolsauce hotel called "The Curtis." it's right across the street from the performing Arts Complex. We saw it out of both our windows, also, the "light-up cross on the mountain" I could also see from one of the windows. We got to stay on the "Sci-Fi" floor (the hallway has a few movie posters, and a cut-out green Godzilla on one of the walls. Not super-theme, but cute to not be excessively irritating. What a neat hotel, though. good price. I would consider staying there for one of the traveling productions at the Buehll (I forget how to spell that theater's name in the complex). Or like, if Evelyn and Calihan need a room for the Anime Con this year in September, I think they would like it.

I did kinda freak out on the 2nd. I was worried about the dog, who would have to stay alone with us an hour away. Jeremy's Grandparents, his Dad, and My mom all let her out/kept her fed and watered, though. That, and the last time I was out of the house, it was for 11 days in the hospital. I went into panic mode for most of the day and probably made Jeremy pretty miserable :( I know he understands, but at the same time, I want him to have a good time without me blabbering about whatever stupid thing I'm worried about. Because it's mostly stupid stuff.

Chemo was pretty miserable this morning. I thought the anti-nausea constipation would kick in quicker than the chemo diarrhea, but alas, that hasn't happened, yet. I was afraid to take immodium knowing that the anti-nausea constipation, which lasts at least a week or two, might be worse, then. *sigh* I hate trying to time that stuff. Otherwise, the chemo wiped me out. I was asleep the whole time getting it, practically asleep the whole way home, and then napped the rest of the evening. I felt pretty crappy when I was awake :( At least up until now, because the kazillions of drugs I've taken have made me feel much better.

AND NOW I AM AWAKE...talk about ruining a sleeping schedule =/

Anyways, this updated ended up a lot longer than I imagined, since I am just sort of blathering on - I hope everyone else has had a fantastic beginning of the year. :) I am praying for everyone to have a great new year, to get better if they were sick, or to have a better time this year with horrible things that were happening last year.

Much love to **everyone**
<3

I love the music and just the joyfulness that goes around Christmastime. :o) I am sad that it is almost over, and I feel like I got into the festivities a little late.

But that's really ok.

I got my Albumen today, but didn't go for the lasix. Somehow, running to the bathroom every 15 minutes on Christmas Day didn't sound like a nice or cozy thing to do.

Thank you, Aunt Camille and Uncle Bob for the "Whodunits" book. :) And Jeremy wanted me to convey thanks for the Sci-fi book you guys got him :o) Thank you very much!

I need to catch back up on my Battlestar Galactica. I got lost somewhere between seasons 2 and 3 (I think) and then my Ninja-friend Ammon came over with the Razor movie and I'm back to like, craving watching the series again. I'll probably start back at the beginning, again. Good series. Good good good.

I had a relatively nice and quiet Christmas, and it was good. :)
Hope everyone else's was also good.